I’m not gonna... eat that pasta. I’m not... gonna eat it. I’m... not gonna eat... Not this time. I chew on these words, force them through my head. Where people have delicious meals, I have plain, dull meals. I'm always at home, eating another meal alone, with constantly repeat of the word CONTROL and a plate of chicken & brown rice. Not forgetting is another jug of water. This is only my second week and I’m sick of it already.

Chew slowly follow by water. Chew and water. And I keep repeating that. This is my method. This is my form of control. This is the system. Listen, the toughest part isn’t the workout. Yes, cardio or lifting can be tough, but it is nothing compare to eating. It’s the diet. The way of eating. Diet is what differentiates success and failure.

I'm hungry again... Why does this always happen? The feeling of starvation and the loud roar in my stomach is killing me. I envy others who get to eat whatever their heart desires without putting on additional pounds. The food I'm having now is always dry and tastes like shit, but at least there is still something in there. Some days, I'm so hungry that I force myself to sit and stare. I break out in a cold sweat. I have to will myself to stop. Yeah, living like this is real agony.

People in the other world, they don’t understand. They can’t. They eat instinctively. For me, eating is another part of my life that must be controlled. I’ve had to learn how to eat, overcome my appetite. It sounds fucked up, but that’s what I gotta do to prepare for this. It sucks and I’ve still got miles to go.

I'm starting a new section in my blog. Its called "My Journey - Reliving It".

So "What is My Journey - Reliving It" all about?
It is my very own never been reveal before personal diary. I recently recovered my long lost journal stating my ups and downs in my quest to fitness. I found some very good insights and decided to go public with it. You get to see and experience my feelings throughout my 32 weeks. My never before been told secret emotions and how U overcome them. I couldn't believe how far I've come from. The road to success has never been an easy one. Life is hard, it eats you from inside out. But F*cK it. You hear voices in your head, constantly doubting yourself. Getting up everyday every morning when the sky is still dark. But your life was already dark ever since. Living behind shadows all this while is already chewing you up. But what's the difference of what you are doing now? So why do you still do it? Is it for Fame? or is it for Glory? You are doing it because you got something to prove to yourself. That you are not a Loser. That you are more than just this. This life, this journey, this quest is about believing the impossible. Its about fulfilling your destiny, becoming the person you ought to be. So hang on for this 32 weeks and make sure you never let go. So again what is "My Journey - Reliving It"? The purpose is to rewalk this journey with you. And at the end of the 32 weeks, you'll know where you stand. The destination has been set. The journey starts with Week 1, my fellow comrades! Come back and follow regularly how I live my journey in each post. Now hold on tight, share with me your journey and the best for every week will be review here exclusively for the next 32 weeks. Relive my journey!

Keeven
Ex Fat Boy